And in the Bad Times I Fear Myself
by xxLittle Black Dressxx
Summary: Most people spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with family, friends, and those they're closest to. Recently divorced Addison and Derek spend these holidays with each other. Updated with new Christmas chapter, "Falling."
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate! And what better way to celebrate than with an Addek Thanksgiving story! I realized that as much as I love writing Addek holiday stories, I've never written an Addek Thanksgiving story, which is funny because Thanksgiving is hands-down my favorite holiday. I cut it close to the wire, but I'm thrilled I was able to write and post something.

This story takes its title from the song "Shallow" from _A Star is Born_. I hope you like the story, and as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Happy Thanksgiving!

* * *

 **And in the Bad Times I Fear Myself**

"How did we end up here?" Addison spears some lo mein with her chopsticks and turns to Derek.

He shrugs in response and steals some lo mein off her plate. "I don't know," he admits. "But I wouldn't overthink it."

She nods halfheartedly and sets her plate of Chinese food aside.

"This feels right, though," Derek continues, sinking deeper into Addison's comfortable hotel bed. "You know?"

She does know. Him … her … eating Chinese food together on Thanksgiving.

It does feel right … and also very wrong. But, mostly, it just feels confusing.

Which brings her back to her original question—how did they end up here?

They've been divorced for months. And, yet, somehow they came to Manhattan separately for Thanksgiving, and ended up bailing on their original plans so they could spend the holiday together in her hotel room, eating Chinese food. Just like old times … kind of.

Maybe it's inevitable that things ended up this way. Maybe it's one of those things that are beyond explanation. But deep down, she knows it's not. And if she's being honest with herself, she knows exactly how they got here.

 _Tell me somethin', girl,  
_ _Are you happy in this modern world?_

"I thought that was you."

Addison looks up from her scotch in surprise and turns toward the familiar voice approaching the bar.

"Derek?"

He gives her a warm smile and a peck on the cheek, which takes her completely by surprise, considering the last time they were together, he pretty much pretended she didn't exist.

"I didn't know you were spending Thanksgiving in New York," he continues as he sits down on the barstool next to hers and orders himself a scotch. "I just assumed you'd be spending the holiday with friends in LA."

Addison shrugs. LA was an option. Sam and Naomi had invited her to spend Thanksgiving with them and Maya. But Addison's messy, painful divorce was still fresh, and the last thing she needed right now was to spend Thanksgiving around a civil, somewhat functional divorced couple.

"So what are you doing in New York?" Derek presses.

"I'm spending Thanksgiving with Bizzy and the Captain," Addison answers with as much neutrality as she can muster.

Derek's eyes widen in surprise and he can't help the chuckle that escapes his lips. "Really?" he asks, growing serious.

She shrugs.

"But wh—"

But he cuts himself off. Because he knows why.

"How's LA?" he asks, changing his approach and broaching the situation from a different, more neutral angle.

"It's great," Addison gushes, flashing him a thousand-watt smile.

She regrets it immediately. She knows there are many people she can deceive with an overly enthusiastic response and a wide smile, but her ex-husband is not one of them.

"It's really great," she continues more neutrally. "With, um, the beach and the surfing and the aromatherapy candles."

He raises an eyebrow and looks mildly impressed. "Surfing? You surf?"

"No." She shakes her head. "I don't."

He nods and she can see the sense of satisfaction on his face. He called her bluff.

"I don't light aromatherapy candles either," Addison confesses, coming clean before he has the chance to catch her in another mistruth. "I mean, I tried once."

"And …?"

Addison rolls her eyes. "They gave me a headache. I had to call in sick to work the next day."

A hearty laugh escapes Derek's lips, and Addison has to admit she's missed the sound.

"I do like the beach though," Addison continues … just so Derek knows that not everything that came out of her mouth was a lie.

"And yet …" Derek trails off, gesturing around them, "you're spending Thanksgiving here in New York, and not there."

"I needed a change."

"I thought LA was supposed to be your change."

"I—"

"Tell me something," Derek whispers, his voice so low she has to lean in close to hear him. "Are you happy with your life in LA?"

"What?" Addison asks in surprise.

When they were married, Derek couldn't be bothered with her. Now he's apparently concerned about her happiness.

"I don't see how that's any of your business," she recovers.

"I didn't think you were happy," he whispers. Once again, his voice is low and she has to lean close—close enough to smell his Tom Ford cologne … close enough to feel his breath against her cheek—to hear him.

She swallows thickly, refusing to get caught up in some convoluted mixture of familiarity, loneliness, and Derek's charm.

"What makes you think I'm not happy?"

"The fact that you're in New York for starters," Derek says easily. "And the fact that you're spending Thanksgiving with your parents instead of Savvy and Weiss."

"I didn't want to bother—"

"You could never bother Savvy and Weiss," Derek interrupts. "But you know that if you spend Thanksgiving with them, it'll take them all of two seconds to see that you're not happy. And unlike you're family, who'll let you drown your unhappiness in alcohol, Savvy and Weiss will make you talk about it."

"Derek, I'd hardly—"

"But do you want to know how I really know you're not happy?" he whispers, leaning in close and not waiting for an answer. "It's because I know you."

She wants to disagree. She wants to insist that he _used_ to know her. But she knows it's not true. And she's not sure whether it's her inability to disagree with him or if it's being back in New York with him or if it's something completely different, but she finds herself leaning in closer.

"I want more," she admits vulnerably. "Whatever I was chasing … it's not in LA."

She thinks of Naomi and Sam's practice—and the two patients she sees a day. And she thinks of Pete—and the promise of a relationship that's remained just that … all talk and no action.

"Or maybe I was chasing the wrong things completely," she sighs.

He gives her a soft smile and puts his hand over hers. "I know the feeling."

"Meredith?" she asks knowingly.

Derek looks at her in surprise and removes his hand.

"Come on, Derek. It's pretty obvious that you're flying solo. So … were you chasing the wrong thing too?"

"Yeah," Derek sighs. "Meredith … Seattle … all of it, actually."

"Well, that's remarkably self-aware of you," Addison snipes. But when she sees the look of hurt in his eyes, she immediately regrets it. "Sorry."

Derek shrugs. "I probably deserve it."

"Maybe," Addison agrees. "Still …" She studies him closely. "Are you in town for Shepherd family Thanksgiving?" she asks, changing the subject.

Derek nods. And Addison swallows roughly. She's been to her fair share of Shepherd family Thanksgivings over the years—a welcome change from her own family's Thanksgivings.

Unlike her family Thanksgivings, which are stiff and formal, Thanksgivings with the Shepherds always had a cozy feel. Everything was homemade and everyone helped out. Of course, Carolyn never trusted her with anything more than peeling potatoes … but still.

"To be honest, I wouldn't mind skipping Thanksgiving this year," Addison admits.

And to her surprise, Derek's hand finds hers again. "Yeah," he whispers, meeting her eyes. "Me too."

 _xxx_

"I guess if we're going to over-analyze things," Derek says, getting up off the bed and pouring two glasses of champagne. "You're the reason we ended up here tonight."

"Me?" Addison asks in surprise. She accepts the glass of champagne from Derek and quirks an eyebrow. "I'm not sure that's true."

"Of course it's true," Derek insists, tapping his glass of champagne against Addison's. "You were the one who first mentioned skipping out on Thanksgiving."

"True," Addison concedes. She takes a long sip of her champagne and gives Derek a mischievous smile. "But you didn't exactly disagree."

"No," Derek chuckles, sipping at his own champagne and smiling at the way his ex-wife's eyes sparkle. "I guess you're right."

 _Tell me somethin', boy,  
_ _Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?_

Addison looks at her ex-husband in surprise. "I understand me wanting to skip Thanksgiving. But you …?" She looks at him closely. "Why?"

Derek shrugs, "I just do."

Addison eyes him suspiciously. "Why'd you come back then?"

"I don't know."

Addison looks at him skeptically, and Derek can tell she doesn't believe him. Feigning ignorance may work on a lot of people, but not on her.

"You could have said you had to work," she points out. "So," she whispers, leaning in closer. "Why'd you come back?"

He could lie. Or tell a half-truth. Except he can't. Not to her.

"Because," he whispers, meeting her eyes. "Because I wanted something familiar."

She swallows thickly, unsure how to respond.

"I booked a one-way ticket," Derek confides.

He hadn't meant to share this with Addison … or anyone. But the words tumble from his lips before he has time to think about what he's saying.

Addison looks thoughtful, and Derek can tell she's turning his words over in her head.

"Then what?"

Derek looks at her in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Addison shrugs. "I was just wondering what you're going to do when New York loses its appeal. When something familiar becomes boring?"

"You don't know—"

"I do know," Addison insists. "It happened with me … it happened with Seattle. It's only a matter of time before it happens again." She looks at him, her eyes earnest. "Does it get exhausting?"

He should be offended or angry … or, at the very least, irritated. But he's not. And to his surprise, he feels relieved.

Moving from place to place … throwing himself further and further into work … trying to fill this emptiness inside him that he's starting to believe was self-imposed.

"Does it get exhausting?" he asks, echoing her question. He meets her eyes and gives her a sad smile. "Like you wouldn't believe."

He's not sure who leaned in first. Truth be told, they'd been leaning in all evening. But now he's leaning in and she's leaning in. And he's kissing her and she's kissing back.

"Do, uh, do you want to get out of here?" he breathes. Things are becoming less PG by the second and he's not sure how much more he can take before the two of them end up in a truly compromising position.

"Yeah," Addison whispers, her hot breath tickling his ear.

He doesn't know which one of them paid the bar tab. (She did).

And he doesn't remember which one of them hailed a cab. (That was also her).

He assumes she must have given the cab driver directions since, at that time, he had no idea where she was staying.

And he's not sure who paid the cab driver. (That was him).

And it's not because they're drunk. Far from it. They're both only one glass of scotch in. Technically, they're both in a place where they should be thinking clearly.

But with him-and-her there's no such thing as thinking clearly … especially when their personal lives are in shambles.

That's why she attacks his lips with hers the second the elevator door closes. And that's why he throws her onto the bed the second the hotel door shuts behind them. That's why they tear at each other's clothes, unable to undress each other fast enough.

And that's why it's unsurprising he can't remember the mundane details –who paid for what and how exactly they got to her hotel.

Because as they lay together in her hotel bed, wrapped in each other's arms, the mundane details simply don't matter.

"Spend Thanksgiving with me?" Derek murmurs, kissing her softly.

She pulls back in surprise. "What?"

"Spend Thanksgiving with me," Derek repeats, pulling her back into his arms.

"Derek, we're … we can't."

"Yes we can."

"No. Derek. We can't." She swallows roughly. "We're divorced. What will people say?"

"Nothing," Derek smirks, kissing her bare shoulder.

She looks at him skeptically.

"They can't say anything if we spend Thanksgiving here," Derek points out, holding her close. "Just you and me."

"Here?" Addison looks around. "As in my hotel room?"

Derek shrugs. "Yeah."

Addison opens her mouth to object, but quickly thinks better of it. And her lips curl in a mischievous smile. "I hope you're not expecting me to host."

Derek chuckles. "I'm not expecting you to host." He gives her a playful wink. "You don't even have to wear clothes."

"Derek," Addison scolds. But they both know she's not mad.

"We'll order room service," Derek reassures.

"Chinese food," Addison corrects.

A wide smile spread across Derek's face. _Thanksgiving, Chinese food, and Addison._

"We'll order Chinese food," he agrees. "Just like old times. So …" he breathes, running his hand through his ex-wife's hair. "Are you in?"

She looks pensive—like she's seriously weighing her options—but he knows it's an act she's putting on. And it's only confirmed when she kisses him softly.

"I'm in," she murmurs. "Just this once."

 _xxx_

"I may have been the one who first mentioned skipping Thanksgiving," Addison points out. "But you were the one who suggested spending it here."

Derek chuckles and pulls her into his lap on the bed, and fiddles with the ties of her terrycloth robe. "I may have suggested it," he agrees. "But you didn't object."

Quite the opposite, actually. They wasted no time calling their respective families and bailing on Thanksgiving.

Both families were, of course, disappointed. Addison's family was upset because her absence threw off the seating arrangements. And Derek's family was disappointed because his absence at family events was becoming all too common a thing. Nancy even went so far as to say that this never happened when Addison was in the picture. And Derek, of course, let this comment slide.

"Do you regret it?" Derek asks as he gently rubs her shoulders. "Spending Thanksgiving together?"

She might. In a day or a week … or some time down the line, she probably will. But not tonight.

"No," she murmurs, turning in his arms and kissing him softly.

"Good." He smiles against her lips. "Me either."

It's not the smart thing to do, and it's certainly not the grownup thing to do. But, right now, she doesn't care. She spends most of her professional life doing smart, grownup things.

And tonight she wants a break from that. Tonight she _needs_ a break.

It may be a mistake—her and Derek. Or maybe it's just things falling back into place. In any case, she supposes she'll never know.

 _Just this once_ she told him.

So, she better make tonight count.

But the way he's holding her, and the way he's kissing her, and the way he's touching her makes something inside her go rogue.

"Derek," she pants in between heated kisses. "Derek?"

They struggle for a moment until she finally pulls backs. His eyes are dark with desire, and she can't help smiling as she tucks a matted curl behind his ear.

"Derek?" she breathes, leaning in closer.

"Yeah?" he whispers breathlessly.

"What are you doing for Christmas?"

A wide smile forms on his face and he kisses her deeply. And she knows she has her answer.

She has to admit she's satisfied. He may have been the one to ask about Thanksgiving, but she's the one who asked about Christmas.

Maybe it makes no sense. Or maybe it makes perfect sense. There's only one way to find out.

She may be lost, and he may be lost. They both need more—that much is obvious.

And as they spend their first Thanksgiving as a divorced couple wrapped in each other's arms, they can't help thinking that together they may be able to find what they're missing. They may be able to put their lives back together.

And if they can't … well, it's still better than being alone.

 _xxx_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Happy Holidays! I really wanted to post an Addek Christmas story—it's their season, after all! And I got a lot of really nice reviews and messages asking me to continue this story. So I took a shot at it. Much like my Thanksgiving story, it came down to the wire. I'm actually heading out the door for Christmas Eve plans as soon as I finish posting this.

I hope you have a merry Christmas and a wonderful Holiday season. Thanks so much for all your kind feedback on my stories this year; I so appreciate it!

* * *

 **Falling**

* * *

 _Tell me somethin', girl_

"There's nothing quite like New York at Christmas time, is there?"

Addison looks up at the overly cheerful flight attendant and nods impassively.

The flight attendant isn't wrong. New York at Christmas is magical.

But Addison has no plans of having the typical New York Christmas. She's pretty sure she won't even leave her hotel room.

Derek's hotel room, actually.

It's only fair. She paid for Thanksgiving. And they're nothing if not equal in every way.

"Are you visiting family?"

Addison blinks in surprise and redirects her attention to the flight attendant who's looking at her expectantly.

"Friends?" The flight attendant tries again when Addison meets her first question with silence.

"Kind of," Addison shrugs.

Her relationship with Derek defies labels. At one point he was her family. At one point he was her best friend. And the ex is supposed to cancel all that out.

But clearly that's not the case.

"Well, I hope you have a good time," the flight attendant says, giving Addison an overly enthusiastic smile.

"Thank you," Addison nods. "I will."

Of this much she's certain.

xxxxx

"Last name?"

Addison winces at that. "The reservation's under Shepherd," she tells the young man behind the hotel check-in desk.

"Oh, yes," the man smiles. "Your husband already checked in."

"Oh, he's not ..."

"What's that?" the man cuts in pleasantly, leaning in closer so he can hear her better.

"Nothing," Addison smiles. "Never mind."

It's none of his business anyway.

The man slides a piece of plastic across the desk. "Your husband left this for you."

Addison accepts the keycard and smiles her thanks.

"Room 2212."

"Thank you," Addison nods.

The same room as Thanksgiving.

"Do you need someone to help you with your bags?"

"No, I—"

"Addison?"

Addison turns at the unmistakable voice. There's only supposed to be one unmistakable voice this weekend. And this voice doesn't belong to him.

"What are you doing here?"

She's trying to think of a response, but even if she had one, she wouldn't be able to get it out. She's wrapped too tightly in Savvy's hug to speak.

"LA looks good on you," Savvy gushes when she finally releases her friend. "What are you doing in New York anyway? And why didn't you call me?"

"I should have called," Addison apologizes. "We weren't planning on seeing anyone."

"We?" Savvy raises an eyebrow in confusion.

"Me," Addison amends quickly.

"Just you?" Savvy asks, narrowing her eyes. And Addison can tell Savvy isn't buying what she's selling. Not for a second.

"And Derek," Addison confides as neutrally as she can. "I'm meeting Derek here."

"Oh!" Savvy's eyes widen with delight. "Wait, does that mean ... Are you two back together?"

"No. We're ..." Addison trails off, unsure how to respond. Again trying to define the undefinable. "We're just two adults spending the holidays together."

"Holidays?" Savvy quirks an eyebrow.

"Christmas," Addison amends.

"Addison," Savvy frowns. "Don't bother trying to lie to me. I've known you too long."

"Fine," Addison chuckles. She lowers her eyes and averts Savvy's gaze. "We spent Thanksgiving together too."

"That's fantastic," Savvy approves, sounding genuinely supportive. "Addison, that's really good."

"And Black Friday," Addison mumbles, her cheeks tinging red. "We spent Black Friday together too. But only because it's the day after Thanksgiving and we were both—"

"Addie, I'm not judging."

"You will," Addison insists. "He also came to LA for Hanukkah."

"Hanukkah?" Savvy laughs.

Addison nods in embarrassment.

"But you and Derek aren't—"

"I know."

Savvy shakes her head in amusement. "I'm still not judging, Addison."

"Really?" Addison looks at her friend in surprise. "You're not?"

"No." Savvy wraps a reassuring arm around her friend. "With the way your marriage ended ... it's unsurprising that something like this happened. We were all betting on something like this going down in one way or another."

"We?"

"Well, me. And Weiss. And maybe Nancy."

"Nancy?" Addison asks in surprise. "When did you and Nancy talk about my marriage?"

"I ran into her at the nail salon a few weeks ago," Savvy shrugs. "And it just sort of came up."

"Savvy, you've got to do me a favor," Addison says, giving her friend a pleading look. "Don't tell anyone I'm here. Or about me and Derek."

She knows she sounds childish. She knows nothing good ever comes from clandestine relationships. But, then again, this isn't a relationship. She and Derek are ... well, she still hasn't worked through that yet.

"I won't say anything," Savvy reassures, patting her arm gently. "But, Addison, you and Derek are both adults. And what you're doing isn't hurting anybody."

Addison nods in concession. It certainly isn't hurting anyone. Quite the opposite, actually.

"Like I said," Savvy continues, "you and Derek are both adults. And how you choose to spend the holidays, or a random Wednesday, for that matter ... that's your business."

Addison swallows thickly. Savvy's right. Savvy's always right.

"A random Wednesday," Addison chuckles. "I don't think—"

But she's cut off by the sound of her cell phone ringing.

"That's Derek," she says, glancing down at her phone.

Savvy gives her a smug look that communicates more than words ever could. And Addison meets Savvy's wordless look with her own silent gesture—a small shrug that tells Savvy everything she needs to know.

Yes, Derek calls. Derek—who never came home in New York and who pretended she didn't exist in Seattle—calls. He calls her more than he texts her, in fact. In this new world they're living in, it's apparently his preferred mode of communication.

"From where I'm standing, I'd say a random Wednesday isn't as out of the question as you seem to think," Savvy smirks.

"I should probably go," Addison says, glancing at her phone and purposefully ignoring Savvy's comment.

"You probably should," Savvy agrees. "Merry Christmas, Addison," she says, wrapping her friend in another warm hug. "Have some fun," she whispers. "You deserve it."

Addison nods mutely as she hugs her friend tightly. She almost forgot what it's like to have someone on her side. Admittedly, it feels good. A welcome change from Seattle.

"Um, Savvy," she begins when they break apart. "I just realized I never asked what you're doing here."

Savvy chuckles. "Weiss and I come here every Christmas."

"Oh," Addison nods, deciding to leave it at that when she sees the twinkle in her friend's eyes.

"Don't get me wrong," Savvy continues. "Spending the holidays with family is nice. But holiday getaways with just your husband are highly necessary." She gives Addison a playful wink. "I'm glad you and Derek are finally catching on."

 _I'm off the deep end_

His lips are on hers before the hotel room door even closes.

It's like those times when they were engaged or married and one of them had just returned from a conference.

Except they're not engaged or married. They're divorced.

He pulls back from a heated kiss, meets her eyes, and smiles. "Hi," he whispers.

And just like that, her lips are back on his.

He pushes her down on the bed and quickly climbs on top of her. And they make short work of discarding each other's clothes.

This time, she's the one to pull back.

"Derek," she murmurs as he continues to kiss her frantically. "Derek?"

"Hmm?"

She meets his eyes and gives him a soft smile. "Merry Christmas."

 _Watch as I dive in_

They spent Thanksgiving in bed ... coming up for the occasional bite of Chinese food or glass of champagne.

She kind of figured Christmas would work the same way. But when she sees Derek fussing over the bare Christmas tree in the corner of the room, it's clear that this isn't the case.

"I can't believe they let you bring this into the hotel," Addison says, joining Derek by the barren tree.

He shrugs. "I tipped the staff here very well."

"How very Bizzy Montgomery of you."

Derek chuckles. "Did you bring the ornaments?" he asks, growing serious.

She nods and unzips her suitcase.

He brought the tree. She brought the ornaments.

Neither is much good without the other. But together ... together they create Christmas magic.

Together, they make sense.

She hadn't paid much attention to which ornaments she'd packed. But now she wishes she would have. Because she would have packed generic ones—ones that don't have memories attached to them. Like shiny silver and gold balls. Those ornaments are as generic as they come.

But she didn't pack those. She packed the bride and groom ornament—from their first Christmas as a married couple. And she brought the brownstone ornament—from their first Christmas in the brownstone. The stethoscope ornament that they bought when they both landed attending jobs. And a boat ornament—from the time they went to the place with boat.

A marriage told through ornaments.

She sees Derek examining some ornaments closely, as though he's never seen them before.

"Those are from our last year together in New York," Addison explains gently. _You were never home to see them_. That's what she doesn't say.

Of course, neither states the painfully obvious—that there are no ornaments from the last year of their marriage ... from Seattle.

"We'll get some ornaments for next year," Derek says resolutely.

"Next year?" Addison raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah. I just assumed ..." He runs a hand through his hair, his eye growing soft, "Christmas makes you want to be with the people you—"

"Stop."

She says it so forcefully that Derek blinks in surprise. But she can't let him complete that sentence. He'll literally destroy her if he does.

"Don't say that. Not to me."

"But I—"

"Derek, no," Addison insists. She can feel a lump forming in her throat. Her body is shaking. And Savvy's words are ringing in her head: _what you're doing isn't hurting anybody_. Well, now she's hurting.

"This was a bad idea, Derek."

"What?" Derek looks at her in confusion. "You didn't think it was a bad idea when we spent Thanksgiving together."

"That was different. I was upset."

"Well, you didn't mind spending Black Friday together. And I believe you were the one who invited me to Hanukkah."

"Yeah, but this is Christmas." Addison sighs. "Christmas, Derek. Our season."

"I know. And it was your idea to spend it together," he points out. "Not that I'm objecting," he adds quickly.

"I know it was my idea." She swallows roughly. "And I want to spend Christmas with you. I do. I just ... I figured we'd have sex the whole time."

Derek chuckles. "I mean, I wouldn't say no to that." He runs his hand through his hair. "I just … I thought we could do some actual Christmas things too. Like old times."

But it's not like old times. It couldn't possibly be.

Sex is easy. If they're having sex, she's not being slapped in the face with Christmas memories. She's not remembering what Christmas used to be like or wondering what Christmas could have been like.

Christmas past, Christmas present, Christmas future. She needs to stay firmly in the present.

"You're overthinking this," Derek insists, a twinkle in his eyes as he moves toward her.

Addison blinks. "Maybe you're under-thinking it."

"Maybe," Derek shrugs, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into his chest. "That's why I have you. To balance things out."

She swallows roughly. She could fight him on this. She could remind him that they're divorced and he doesn't have her.

But it's Christmas and they're spending it together—so that statement is only partially true. Plus, she doesn't feel like fighting with him. It's Christmas, after all.

So instead, she extricates herself from her ex-husband's arms and makes her way toward the minibar.

"Champagne?"

She holds up a sleek bottle, and he nods as he walks toward her.

"Here," she says, handing him a champagne flute and pouring a glass of champagne for herself.

"Hey, Addison?" Derek says, raising his champagne flute in her direction.

"Yeah?"

"Merry Christmas, Addie."

She gives him a small smile and lightly taps her champagne flute against his. "Merry Christmas, Derek."

And as they drink, she can't help thinking that this Christmas—however complicated it may be —is already infinitely better than their last Christmas in Seattle. And the Christmas before that one.

"Uh, Addie ..." Derek begins, his eyes remorseful. "About last Christmas ..."

She looks at Derek in surprise, trying to figure out if she had accidentally voiced her thoughts out loud.

"I'm sorry, Addison," Derek apologizes. "For last Christmas. What I said was wrong … and hurtful. I was cruel … and not finished hurting you back."

"Clearly," Addison mutters.

Derek's eyes dim. "I deserve that."

"I'm sorry about New York." The words tumble from her lips before she has time to think about what she's saying.

"You already apologized for New York," Derek says gently. "In Seattle. A number of times."

"It didn't do much," Addison shrugs. "You didn't forgive me."

"I didn't," Derek admits. "Not in Seattle, at least." He gives her a reconciliatory smile and tops off their champagne. "I'm really sorry about Seattle. All of it."

"I …" But she doesn't know what to say. So she reaches for her champagne flute and drains the rest of the glass.

"I'm sorry about New York too," Derek says quietly. He runs a hand through his hair and refills her glass halfway. "I'm really sorry."

Addison shakes her head. "Why now? Why are we having this conversation now, Derek."

"Because it's Christmas. And Christmas makes you want to be with the people you—"

"Stop." She glares at her ex-husband. "I told you not to say that to me."

"Fine." He drains his champagne and meets her eyes. "I won't say that to you. I just ... I'm going to tell you this … things are a lot better when I'm with you."

She feels a lump forming in her throat and she swallows around it. She'd be lying if she said she didn't feel the same way.

"That's not enough, Derek," she whispers, shaking her head.

"It could be."

"Then I guess we have three options," Addison says, giving him a small smile.

"I guess we do," Derek agrees, moving behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. "Option one," he says, gently pressing his index finger against her rib. "I apologize, you forgive me."

"Der—"

"Option two ..." he presses a second finger against her, "I apologize. You forgive me ... eventually. But you spend a long time pretending you're not going to."

"What's the third option?" she asks, turning in his arms and meeting his eyes.

"I don't know what the third option is," he murmurs, kissing her softly. "I just know I still love you."

She kisses him back. Of course, she does. She's her and he's him—and there's no escaping the inevitable.

So it's no surprise when they start undoing the ties of their terry cloth robes and pushing them off each other's shoulders. And it's no surprise when they end up in bed together for the second time that evening.

It may not be a surprise. But it's also not unwelcome. It's very welcome.

 _We're far from the shallow now_

They're lying in bed together when he says it.

"I got you something."

He slips on his robe and digs through his suitcase. "Merry Christmas, Addie," he smiles, handing her an envelope, which she quickly opens.

"Plane tickets?" She raises an eyebrow. "To New York?"

"They're for Valentine's Day," he grins. "I made reservations at that French place you like."

It's an undeniably sweet gift, but Addison can't help chuckling.

"What?" Derek asks, confused by his ex-wife's reaction to his gift. "Do you not like it? Do you not want to—"

"No, it's not that," Addison reassures. She makes her way toward her suitcase and returns with an envelope. "I got you something too," she explains, handing it to him. "Merry Christmas, Derek."

He opens the envelope and a wide smile spreads across his face.

"A plane ticket," he grins, his eyes crinkling around the corners. "To LA. For New Year's."

"Great minds, I guess," Addison shrugs, gesturing to the two opened gifts.

"Yeah." He leans in and kisses her softly. "Just so you know, there's no one I'd rather ring in the New Year with."

She smiles against his lips. "Me either."

They have all the major winter holidays covered. And neither, for even a moment, has considered the very likely possibility that one or both of them might have to work.

But if they do, they'll get out of it. He's sure of it. And more importantly, she's sure of it.

"When's your flight out?" Derek murmurs, wrapping his arms around his ex-wife and swaying with her gently.

"The day after Christmas," Addison whispers into his neck.

"Cancel it."

"What?"

"Cancel it," Derek smiles. "And stay with me instead."

Addison looks at him uncertainly. The day after Christmas isn't a holiday. Just a regular day. A random, unremarkable ... Wednesday.

And she can't help smiling as Savvy's words echo in her mind: _I'd say a random Wednesday isn't as out of the question as you seem to think._ _  
_  
"Okay," she says quietly.

"Really?" Derek's eyes light up. "You'll cancel?"

"I'll cancel."

Of course she'll cancel. She owes it herself—and to them—to cancel. To spend that random Wednesday together.

That much she knows.

What she doesn't know ... what they don't know ... is that this random Wednesday—the Wednesday after Christmas—will be the first of many.

 _xxx_


End file.
